It almost left again…
I almost let it slip away from me again. I almost pushed it out of my mind like I always do. I almost buried it deep down into the only place I knew where to hide it; inside of my heart and mind. I am talking about my healing; the one thing that truly lead me to start BnPowered. Distractions, and I being able to mask my hurt almost allowed me to let my process of healing be pushed to the back of my mind.
When I went through my traumatic experience at the age of 15, I never focused on my healing; I would push it all the way to the back of my mind. I just wanted to forget about it. I learned how to get good at pushing it back and never letting it resurface, until triggers started to happen in the months of January and February in college. In these months, anxiety levels increased, memories came back every night, and that is when it would resurface and remind me that I had to deal with what I have been masking. Nobody who has been through a traumatic experience wants to talk about their experience or bring it back to life, but to be honest that is the only way to heal. It is so much easier to just try to forget about it, or is it?
Deciding in January 2017, that it was time for me to heal I was on a mission, I wasn’t going to let anything get in the way of my healing. Fast Forward to January 2018, anxiety and sadness started to come back, one of my trigger months, and I am wondering why? I thought that I decided to start healing? I started off 2017 going to a ministry at my church called Tamar Ministry (for sexual abused survivors) but in that ministry I never really spoke, I just listened. Then I all of a sudden stopped going, because I was distracted by other things such as, events, friends, vacations, just didn’t feel like going, but was I really distracted or was this just me once again masking my wound?
Yup I was masking my trauma! I didn’t notice that I was masking until I sat down and reflected on my 2017, I was trying to see how far I had came in my healing, and to be quite honest I made little progress, which is good but I also knew I allowed myself to bury my pain once again and I should have been further in my process. The good news is that I am aware of what I did, I caught it, and I am re-focused on my healing because it almost left again…
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